I was really good yesterday. I only smoked 12 cigarettes from my new carton. Normally I would have smoked 25, the whole pack. I am trying to get myself to smoke on a need-the-weed basis, as opposed to want-the-weed.
When I started working in 1980, I was allowed to smoke in the office; and the vast majority of my coworkers smoked. I was free . . . and stress free. From 1981 to 1985 my jobs were nonsmoking, meaning that I could only smoke on my breaks and at lunch hour. There were smoking rooms, however. I did not have to go outside and freeze my ass off to have my cigarettes. In 1985 I found a store job wherein I could smoke at will, and I was very happy with my job. I then realized that as long as I could smoke during my workday, I was happy with my job. And the last job I had that permitted smoking was my cocktail waitress position in 1987.
What happened when they took away my right to smoke at work? I became stressed out, sick, depressed. To me, work became a death sentence—death to my freedom, death to my happiness. All I could think about while at work was how much I wanted, needed, a cigarette.
This deprivation of cigarettes at work had effects on other areas of my life. One that comes immediately to mind is my complete refusal to go to a movie. After having been deprived of cigarettes all day at work, there was no way I was going to go anywhere that I could not smoke at will. Shopping and movies were out! Bars and nightclubs, however, were sanctuaries. They embraced me and my cigarettes wholeheartedly, and their acceptance of me and my habit led to my becoming a vampire, a night owl. I lived for clubbing. I went out three or four nights a week. I smoked two packs a day—almost entirely post-work.
Do government officials truly believe that by limiting the number of places where smoking is permissible, smokers will quit? Can they be that deluded? Do they believe they can price us out of our habit, that there is some magical dollar amount where smokers will say, “No more; I quit”?
I believe our government leaders know better and that they’re gouging us for every cent we have. But do they realize that smokers retaliate in other ways? As I’ve said, I don’t go to movies anymore. The only shopping I do now is grocery shopping. I don’t remember the last time I purchased an article of clothing. Knickknacks and luxury items are definitely out. Really, I’m down to food, necessary clothing and cigarettes. Any leftover money goes on my car, which is now 12 years old thus requiring regular maintenance repairs of $500 plus annually. I do not waste my money. Period!
OK, I know many of you consider cigarettes a colossal waste of money, but that’s because you don’t appreciate the pure joy it gives those of us who smoke. Joy!
This book was supposed to convince me to quit smoking. Instead all I do is think about smoking and how much I love it. I’m now smoking my cigarettes like I did back when I first started. I am savoring the flavor, the motion, all the things I love about smoking.
So how do I get back on track? How do I convince myself to quit?
“I’ll quit when I die.”
I’ve said that many times. But (and here my twisted nature reveals itself once again) I actually believe that we can smoke in heaven. If heaven is heavenly, then smoking must be permitted! A lot of people think of heaven as being a place where you can eat anything you want without getting fat. Well, I believe it’s a place where you can smoke without getting sick or making others sick. And I think this logic is fair.
